The coffee drinker.

A coffee is an insomniac’s poison. Yet I still sip on one every two hours. And I think. Of incidences and memories. The kind that you never forget. A strong black coffee with little sugar and no cream is a sure way not to sleep. And when you got a bad case of insomnia, trust me it ain’t no cure.

It was on one of these more worse nights( if there’s ever is such a thing) that I sat back and thought about a memory. Not a fading one. But one that stayed etched in my mind forever. I remember that day as clear as anything. A cloudy day at the stadium. Dismal even. But was a place where a spirit of a man was not going to be diminished. Especially not by a trifle thing like the weather. This mans story goes something like this:

He was at the starting line. Of his life. He crouched down and remembered. He remembered every moment. Every breath. Every drop of sweat. Those months of preparation.

“On your marks”
He crouched down. Leg prepared to launch him to victory.

“Get set”
He was ready. No gun could scare him from his purpose. No pistol could hinder his path.

“GO!!”

He was off. He felt the wind whipping through his hair. He felt the ground, light under his feet. He felt the adrenaline, pumping through his veins. He was flying. Flying through those moments built up until today. Enjoying that feeling. “What was it?” he wondered. Satisfaction? Happiness? Euphoria? He couldn’t explain it. Not now, when he was flying without wings.

Life however has a funny way of throwing us a curveball when we least expect it. Even at the top of the world. He sensed something was wrong even before it happened. One moment he was flying. Next his entire world came crashing down.

All he felt was a searing pain. It went through his left leg. He couldn’t explain the tears that fell down his face. He had never once cried when he fell. But now, he couldn’t stop the coming. Bewilderment was etched in every corner of his face.

He could hear the paramedics van coming closer. He could hear the shouts of the spectators from the stadium. He could hear his mom. Pleading with him to get up. He opened his eyes and realize what had happened to him. His age old injury had returned. Striking him harder then ever. As if teasing him. Ridiculing him. At the last 400 meters of his race. He couldn’t believe it. Why now? Why at the most important race of his life?


He couldn’t say how he felt or why he felt it. He couldn’t even register the pain properly. He was in despair. The biggest loser on the planet. That’s all he could think of himself. In his ears he heard jeers. Of people who said that he wouldn’t make it. That his past demons will haunt him. Down and beaten, he did not move. Nothing did. All was still and silent.

What happened next was unexplainable. Something. A small in significant spark. It, with no waning, built up to a roaring fire that crashed through the very core of his being. An unexplainable sense of strength and determination. His mothers voice. Maybe it was so heavily ingrained in him that he was a champion. Maybe it was himself. The part of him. The little fighter that was not always there but when awoken was ferocious. The one who knew nothing would ever get the best of him.

He got up. Painfully but with resolve. Refusing assistance, he struggled to his feet. His left leg refused to cooperate. He didn’t care. He hadn’t done months of preparation for no reason. He was going to finish the race. Regardless. One step at a time to cross that finish line.

Taking the first step was the hardest. The stadium was silent. Even the paramedics stopped telling him to take a break. His mom had only tears to shed. He looked at the hope in her face and found strength. And he took that first step like a new born baby learning to walk. Stumbling a little, he managed to take another. He learnt to focus on the moments. Not the pain.

He remembered the hours in training. He took a step. He remembered the grueling hours in the gym. And took another step. He remembered standing in front of the mirror every morning and telling himself that he could do it. Behind him the medics were following. Not asking him to stop upon realizing he wanted to continue. Daring not to ask him to slow down and stop. He wouldn’t have anyway..

The crowd was silent. The stadium was echoing. The man that had come in first was no longer important. They watched this man fighting his battle. Alone. Silently, they cheered him on. Silently they shed their tears. The silence was unnerving. It was powerful. In that silence, so many dreams were seen. So much was found. On that mans battle, many found strength.

The man kept walking. The end was near. He did not slow down. He refused to stop for breath. With huge effort, he kept walking. With all the strength he could muster, he kept walking.

When he crossed the finishing line, the crowd went wild. They cheered the true champion of the race. The cheered the man who never let his demons get the better of him. The crowd was wild, their thirst for a true champion quenched.

As for our runner? He collapsed in relief. He was satisfied. He had completed the race, regardless of what would happen next. He felt that every single thing was worth it. He had tears in his eyes. From pain, exhaustion, happiness, sadness, relief, acceptance but most of thankfulness. Thankful that he did complete the race. His heart was filled with pride because he beat his demons. Taunting him no more, they dared not touch him. He won the true battle.

He may have gotten last place, but he emerged from the race victorious that day and etched himself as a hero in everyone’s hearts. His defeat of the battle against himself gave every person in that stadium hope. He is a stranger that I saw that morning. The stranger that taught me its ok to move on. Its ok to be afraid sometimes. But never let the fear of losing out, keep you from doing all you can and being all you can be. I was one of the spectators of his race and to that man, I raise my coffee and say thank you. For that one lesson in life I will never forget.

I sip my coffee before paying another visit to my memories. I had all night and day to do this. Sleep never came over me. It was time for yet another visit……..

hey one and all!!

Happy 2009!!

Ok im not gonna bore everyone out of their brains by talking about bnew beginnings and all that.... i already do tht on a yearly basis.... im jus gonna start of the year with my favourite saying by far... an expert from the kung fu panda(now hows that for a place of inspiration:))

"Yesterdays history, Tomorrows a mystery. But today is a gift.
Thats why its called the PRESENT."
See as human beings. we tend to always worry about the furture and about whts gonna happen next. We always say that we've gotta plan for our future and we become so obssessed with our future their we forget our current present is our future.

God works in mysterious ways. He's made an object called time. and object which never stops functioning. which continues moving. and which bever looks back.

A good friend of mine once said "live your life to the max" and he did. He died earlier in the year of 2008. He was only 16.

I'm not gonna start this year of with a grim note. Nor am i gonna start this year of with the notion of deaths in the midst. But we have to realise its there. Every breath we take is one step closer to it.

So while we still have air in our lungs. And while we still have the ability to live. Lets make every moment count. Every moment should be our new year. Every second should be a second we cherish. Every day should be a day of resolutions.

and every night before we sleep, we should sleep with contentment and with the thankfulness that gods given us another day to live it.

so me being virtuous and advisory is all about up. Now its back to the crazy person we all know and love.

special thanks to my insane half jiwan for kicking my arse into writing a new post. CONGRATUALTIONS to you, pevin, sharan and all my other PMR friends on the wonderful results!!

Happy New year to u all!! i will be posting new stuff as soon as i get my chance to. Which should be really soon seeing as that i'll probably have nothing to do.

hugs and kisses

without wax,
meninder:)

Just another window view :)

I am alive
But not living
A shadow in depths
I breath
But I’m not breathing
The air is just another thing
That goes by
Sigh…
Even that’s just a sound.
No meaning
Not a sentence or a word
Empty

I feel nothing,
I’ve loss the sense of sight and sound,
I’m just alive, passing
Not grabbing on the moments that fly by
Is this life?
How dull and uninteresting…

I could die right now
(Evacuating soul in 3,2,1….)
But I don’t
I’m still alive but not living…
Its dark and suffocating,
Like a blanket that can’t be removed
And when removed its jus the same,
No change,
Nothing.
Sigh.

I’m bored but can’t do anything,
I’m scared but can’t scream,
I’m happy but can’t smile,
I’m alive but not living.
Help me please?

Help me stranger
Help me move again
Help regain my senses,
My emotions my thoughts
Let me feel sorrow
Let me feel fear
Let me look my maker in the eye
And tell him I’m here

I’m ready stranger
I’m ready to move on
To make a difference
To grab at the mommets not let them move at all
I want to fly! I want to glide!
Push me off the edge of that cliff
Like a baby eagle
Give me my wings!
Let me fly!
Let me in to those gates
Let me scream and shout
Let me laugh and cry
Give me a tune, a simple tune,
Let me live, at last
No more monotone, or emptiness,
Let life crash through me
Like a waterfall
Crasing down to the rocks
In musical syncrohny
Sigh that is life
That is life.

Meninder Kaur
11.08 am
4/9/2008

Some thoughts :)

It’s been real long since I actually opened this laptop to write something:)

You it just recently hit me that I tease all my school leaving friends about schooling in the middle ages. You know the jungle trekking to get to school, the snake infested swamp, vampire teachers etc etc( ok maybe I exaggerate a little bit ) ok maybe a lot

But its just occurred to me, (how daft seeing as that I’m being continuously reminded that my entire future hangs in the balance) that I’m going to soon be joining those Darling friends of mine in the middle age society(lol)

Seriously, one moment I’m a toddler, next I’m spending two years in Indonesia, my primary school days end… and my secondary school chapeter is about to meet the same fate.

What have I done to make this leg of my Journey memorable?

Many things. Happy, sad, crazy things(love these), bizarre, successful and some even down right disastarous. And all those moments built up my life.

As I look back, I see so many things. I see 16 years worth of memories. I look at a photo of me when I was 3 years old and have this distinct longing just to crawl back into those times( which might explain my childish behaviour). I see love. I see some old rivalry. (if anyone didn’t got through the girls versus boys stage please shoot me in the head.) I see so many memories. Some painful others healing. But cherished memories all the same.

I look at my school mates and realize that I, not gonna be on that same environment in another 6 months time. Its gonna all change. Don’t get me wrong I’m exited to see what the world has in store for me but I’m not quite ready to give up what I have now. It sad to think that all kids are dying to grow up fast but all grown ups are praying for a reverse growth formual.

I guess that’s the mystery of time. It’s like sand you try holding in the palm of your hand. It has a funny way of slipping out and never returning. I guess that’s why so many people say just go with the flow.

Still its hard to imagine life without school, a vampire teacher, cartoon classmater(no offence guysJ), your true friends, and your crazy memories. Its hard, right now, to imagine not having to wake up at enearthly hours to make it to school.

Somehow though I have to find my wings and fly. Its time to end yet another chapeter of this journey and move to the next beginning. But not just yet.

Meninder Kaur from 10/June/2007,5.30 pm

Little drops of water

Drops of water come falling for above,
I sit here in resign.
Seeing not but the farthest ends
Of fields and meadows far and wide
I lost some bonds
I thought would never break
I lost some sense of reason
A decision made without the clock
A decision made out of reason
Sad that I am I think not back
For days and time has passed
The raindrops keep falling from far above
Down the rabbits chute
To glories below
A microscopic dot
In the universe
But something so powerful.
Designing landscapes and feeding lives
A little drop of water
Can make a plant grow
And from that plant an animal will live
And so the cycle goes
As it climbs the top most point
Our existence comes to play
That drop of water down my back
Is the reason why I live
Depth of wondering minds
Brings about a sense of purpose
For in the moment I feel numb
I feel a thousand rivers
A thousand suns a thousand stars
I see what most choose not to
I sit here patiently with raindrops down my back
No longer do I sit resigned
For these little drops of water
That shape the mighty land
Taught me that this is not the end
Nor will it be for a long time.

14th of february 2007 =P

I woke up this morning
And saw love all over again,
In the face of the mother
Protecting her brood
Wanting to rip the eyes of the bully
She fears not the brute
In the eyes of a father
Who saw all the worlds hardships
And chased the boogey man away
For his kids to smile again
On the lips of a lover
With golden words
Promising a promise
Of forever and a day
In the actions of teacher
Holding the future
Of our nations peace
In her very hands
I saw it in a kids delight
His joy at a small present
With unquestioned love
For everyone around him
Power beyond all
The four lettered word
Its beauty incomprehensible
Its wrath unheard .

Happy valentines day. From my heart to yours. Today when you say I Love You to anyone, say it with all your heart and say it with true feeling. Don’t analyse your feelings. Just go with the flow.
God bless.

Meninder =)

Breaths

Take a breath,
Let rivers flow let the sky weep.
In and out it goes,
The world moves with a beat

Every breath taken is another breath lost
So breath like you have never breathed before,
Life itself s so precious like pearls
Once gone forever lost

Live your life for now and forever,
Never stop living at al
Don’t lose the moments or mope for those lost
Just breathe in and out with conviction

Stand up and stand like you have never stood before.
Listen to the sound of your breath in and out.
This is the moment so take the plunge.
Breathe the breath of life, breathe like you have never breathed before.

Meninder Kaur