Girl Next Door- Part 1

You know what’s interesting. Cloud shapes. Cloud shapes and water puddles.

I think someone put redbull in my coffee this morning. That’s how I ended up at the wretched bar. Geez. Everything happens for a reason though, doesn’t it.

Voyeurs do that sometimes. They have a keen undertaking into a world they don’t really want. It outs them, puts them on the precipice of discovery but never really being enough to push them over that edge.

I like my coffee black, 2 sugars, no milk. I’m a purist.

Being on the outside does give me one thing.

It gives me a story to tell.

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“You’re ridiculously late today”

“Come on, you can’t be that mad”

James smiled. Every time he looked at Michael, he was reminded of a younger version of himself. No lines, trendy hair cut. Now his face was lined with the memories of yesteryear. He felt old.

“How’s the prep for school coming along?”

“You know me, I pack one suitcase I’m done. Apparently though mom thinks I need a lot more. I caught her sneaking bleach laced laundry tablets. How the hell am I supposed to know how to use bleach laced laundry tablets?”

“Don’t put them with your coloured clothes?”

“Huh??”

James laughed. He remembered the day he first went off to college. Michael was only ten, all he knew was big brother was off somewhere. Some big new special place that he needed a whole car packed with things for.

"Don't phone mum when you need the cash for new clothes."

"Funny. What's cracking my big brother?"
"Nothing, I figured I'd try to catch you before you become a big college man."

"Can't believe I made it man! You reckon college can survive me?"
"Might have to widen some of those doors to let that big head of yours enter."
"Very funny."

Michael signalled the bartender. 

“I’ve been thinking of going back to grad school.”

“Again?? Don’t you have like a hundred masters by now?”

“How’d you get into college again? Your maths estimation is horrible!”

“I think it was purely on my good looks, you know the drill.”

“College admission officers must be blind then.”

Micheal scowled. He remembered wanting to go to college ever since he saw James wore his first college sweatshirt. He was so excited when he got his college admissions letter.

“What are you looking forward to the most?”

“You want the college admissions answer or the actual one?”

“I want the “brother” answer.”

Micheal thought for a moment. He twirled his glass, especially the last ice pieves. He loved those bits.

“I guess it’s just the people. The ones that come from all over, the crazy ones, the misfits. I’m excited to meet the world, as cheesy as it sounds.”

“And the girls?”

“That goes without saying. I mean come on, college girls. That has GOT to be a step up.”

“What about Amanda?”

That made Micheal pause. He hadn’t told James yet.

“We broke up.”

“ What happened?”

“School happened.”

Truth was Micheal was really hurt. She felt like the right one. The one that fit him like a glove. But the both decided that maintaining a relationship was going to be hard since they were on opposite ends of the coast. So they broke up.

“Bummer.”

“That doesn’t even begin to describe it.”

“So, what KIND of girl do you want?”

“If I say big boobs and cute ass does that get me a beating?”

“It gets you a stern stare.”

Micheal and James looked around the room. Down to the left of a bar there were a bunch of girls, definitely pre- drinking for a night out.  Short skirts, fun tops, loads of glitter everyewhere. They were loud and they were proud.

COFFEE DRINKERS NOTE: THOSE GIRLS WERE RIDICULOUSLY LOUD.

Near the door there were a bunch of kids playing pool. On one table, there were 3 girls, 2 guys. Definitely more then a regular pool lesson going on there.

On the other table there was another girl with a few guys. She was bespectacled, wearing jeans and a sweater. Practical in the weather. Talking about the game on television pushing and shoving like she was one of the guys.

James noticed the one with the glasses. Michael on the other hand was glued to the other girls, the ones down the bar.

“Probably those girls over there. They don’t want much, just a good night out. I can’t handle anything more serious then that.”

“What about her?” James pointed at the girl in the glasses.

“Oh yeah. She’s kinda cute.”

“Not the kind you’d go for?”

“No I’m not saying that, I’m just saying she’s kinda cute.”

“What are you really thinking?”

Michael stopped for a second, he actually wasn’t sure. Truth be told she was really pretty but you wouldn’t notice at first. She had a friendly smile, she had gorgeous hair that was all messed up. She had an easy time making the people around her feel at ease yet not one of them seemed genuinely interested in her. He guessed that there must be something wrong with her or something.

“I don’t know man. She seems nice enough but I’d rather just find someone to have a good time with.”

“You mean like college air heads over there?”

James looked at his glass, deep in thought. Michael watched his big brother, feeling a little uncomfortable. He knew they could talk about anything but in all honesty, he was feeling a little guilty for not picking girl in glasses first. It’s not that he didn’t mean too. It’s just that she wasn’t his first choice right now.

James took a deep breathe.

 “Take that girl. No just one minute look at her. She's the nice one, the girl next door. She's there ready to offer a smile, a kind word and hugs. Her hugs could probably cure cancer. Doesn't hurt that she's gorgeous to.

Let me tell you, she's miserable.

I've seen her kind before, the kind that acknowledge they aren't perfect. The saddest thing is that when she does, people find those cracks to. I'm betting you anything she's been shot down more then once because she wanted something and the reason she can't get it is her own fault. Girls like that don't last very long. They are the people that fade into the background because when they put themselves out there, when they acknowledge their imperfect, people cannot take her in anyway seriously any more. There's only so much the human tolerance allows you. And that's why she's miserable.

She'll smile anyway, because at the end of the day, we can't be anybody else but ourselves can we."

Micheal finished his drink, unsure what to say. James looked at him, smiling.

“Come on, lets see if you can get one of the airheads to give you her number.”

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Girl next door huh? I think I see a future in that somehow.

Fyi, Bar’s have horrible coffee. But they have beautiful stories, if you’re willing to look.

Someday, I will look through it again, but right now, I need to stop seeing sounds.

It’s creeping me out.

The Violence of the Human Spirit

I am angry.

I am angry that a human would do this.

I am angry that you will harm another, that the race I belong to, the human race, is capable of such monstrosity.

I am angry that my fellow brothers and sisters are victims of violence.

I am angry because my fellow human beings decided today I will blast, I will harm, I will maime, I will Kill. 

Today, I am angry at the stupidity of mankind. 

Today, I am angry at the spirit of man, the mean, ugly spirit of mankind.

I am angry that a person’s conscience fails them.

Today, I am angry at myself.

I am angry at feeling helpless.

I am angry at watching the world be torn apart.

I am angry at feeling unable to believe in human kind.

But that would mean you would have won.

That would mean that you have succeeded in creating fear in me. 

I won’t let you. 

You WILL NOT cause me fear. 

You WILL NOT cause me injustice.

You WILL NOT cause me to lose hope.

I WILL NOT LET YOU.

I will not let you win.

I will not let you make me feel afraid anymore. I will not let you make me feel angry anymore.

Each day I will do my part. 

I will be as human as I possibly can be. 

I will remember my responsibilities to my fellow man.

But I will not let you make me afraid. I will not let you. 

I will not let you make me forget how much responsibility I have to the people around me.

To the world I belong in. 

To my human race.

You have tried time and time again. You have tested the limits of man. You have broadened the ugliness of man.

But I will not let you win. I will not let this unnamed bastard win. 

Today, I mourn for humanity. 

I mourn for the victims of violence.

But I will rejoice in knowing you have not brought us down. You have failed today. 

I see man, I SEE your ugliness. 

But I see those fighting against it. 

I see the kindness that comes from an unnamed woman giving a child a hug.

From the people that have decided to help each other.

From a global unity of thoughts that go AGAINST what you did.

From the simplicity that people point at your actions and are conscious that what you did is wrong.

I see kindness in the people that have decided to help each other.

In the messages that pour from all over the world for the well being of another.

I choose to believe in the good. 

And those taking action.

And that gives me hope. 

Don’t get me wrong, I am still angry.

But I will be even more angry with myself if I let you win.

And I cannot let that happen, no matter how much you try I WILL NOT LET THAT HAPPEN.

I will keep believing in the good of humanity. I will keep believing in the good of the human spirit.

Because if I do not, I have lost and you have won.

And I will not let that happen. 

*In memory of the victims of violence that have occured all over the world today.

And an 8 year boy who died watching his father cross the finish line.*  

A Fools Speech

Joseph “Chipita” Rodriguez- (1799-1863)

Convicted of murder based on circumstantial evidence and hanged in San Patricio County, Texas. A hundred years later, the texas courts agreed she did not receive a fair trial. It has been said she maintained her innocence right through the end, although refusing to testify in court, possibly to defend her only son(who was thought to be guilty) She was 63 when she was hanged. Her last words were said to be, “No Soy Culpable”. Translation: I am not guilty.

She died.

Timothy John Evans (1924- 1950)

Also known as the case that caused the abolishment of capital punishment in the UK, tims case is a sad one indeed. Accused of kiiling his daughter, this welsh man kept accusing his neighbor Christie as the murderer of his daughter and wife. Only after his death was it found that he was indeed innocent. This sparked a calling to abolish capital punishment within the uk. However,

He died.

Derek William Bentley  (1933 – 1953)

At the time of his execution, Derek was said to have been illiterate. He suffered from epilepsy fits due to falling 15 feet off a lorry at a young age and also because of his home crashing around him in world war II. He was convicted of burglary and the killing of a police officer with malicious intent. Malicious. A man with with a 77 IQ understands the meaning of “malicious”. I ask you, did his punishment fit the crime?

He died.

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“So, so you think you can tell
 Heaven from Hell,
Blue skies from pain?
Can you tell a green field,
 from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade,
your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war
for a lead role in a cage?”

Yes, this coffee drinker has once again fallen back on the lyrics of a song to execute the flow of feeling. Music has communicated so much to me, today, I hope it communicates to you to.

The song questions the very core of man’s ability to distinguish between what is right and what is wrong. If we truly understood the difference between a field and cold steel rails, why do we build train tracks through a country side?

If we had the true ability to tell the difference between what is right and what is wrong, why are there so many cases of people being hung when they were clearly innocent?

 You say, “You have only listed 3 lives.” I say yes, I have listed 3 lives. What right do we have to take away these three lives? WHAT RIGHT DO WE HAVE TO TAKE AWAY THESE THREE LIVES?

The fundamental route of the death penalty is to give justice to a person. If we come from a race, where justice is taking away peoples’ lives because of oil, what makes us so arrogant to think we have the right to take away a person’s life in what we deem to be “the justice system”?

I am for the abolishment of the death penalty. But I digress. There is more to a story then a fools rant on the death penalty.
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Generally, I’ve been a person that looks at life through tinted glasses of gold and silver. I’d like to believe the best in every one and some might call this being a fool.

But there are some things even a fool would not be able to ignore. 

Over the course of the last 2 weeks, I have seen people post up stories, be it about Kony 2012 or about Bhai Balwant Singh Rajoana. I have been ask to pledge my statuses, change my profile picture and doing so much more to “raise awareness”.

More and more it became apparent what a bandwagon truly is.

Note: No offense meant to those that have actually gone out and done something about any of these causes. And No, CHANGING YOUR FB STATUS OR PICTURE DOESN’T COUNT.

You ask me why I don’t pledge orange. I tell you, it is because the death penalty has been evil from day one. NOT because of this one man, but because of the millions of others that have died due to the death penalty.

This issue has been around since the dawn of time, but when it becomes one of our own, THAT’S when we start to stand up and fight?

You say, yes we fight now because it’s our own person being attacked. I ask you to remember Guru Tegh Bahadur, who gave his head to protect the Hindus.

Shame on you. Shame on you for standing up for ONE  man when millions of others have died because of the death penalty. Shame on you for suddenly standing up and believing in one person when the death penalty has been around for thousand of years.

What right do we have to take someones life? The most precious thing any of us have, and we treat it like something that can be taken away, because we decide it?

The wars, the destruction, the pain and suffering, this has been around for millenia. But we deem it now necessary to make a hoo ha which dies down after every alternate week. Brilliant, beautiful human nature.

I wonder, when this is all over, how many of us would keep fighting for the abolishment of the death penalty? I wonder when this all blows over, how many of us would keep up the pressure to take away the death penalty completely?

You are right, I have no right to judge you. I have no right to tell you what you are doing is wrong. I am a mere mortal pointing out what I believe is true.

But I beg each and every one of you today, ask yourself, are you a true freedom fighter, a person who is willing to give up their jobs, their lives, their families for a true cause? Or at the very least, devote time to educate the people around you against issues like this?

or are you a facebook freedom fighter? Who changes your status and your pictures and thinks you’ve made a big difference?
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I will now give you a list of names, and I hope you will read their stories. I wonder though, will their voices be heard, or will it be drowned in a cacophony of noise made by what I’d like to now refer to as, “Bandwagon causes”.

Johny Frank Garett(executed in 1992)- His last words were, “I'd like to thank my family for loving me and taking care of me. And the rest of the world can kiss my everloving ass, because I'm innocent.”
Carlose de Luna( executed in 1989)- Convicted, even though at the time of his arrest he had no blood on him although the crime scene was covered in blood.
Larry Griffin(executed in 1995)- Convicted based on witness evidence by a white man. He was black.
David Spence(executed in 1997)- Was accused of a crime he did not commit, the rape of 17 year old girls.

5 years

When you become a substance abuser, your only love is for the feeling it gives you. Coffee, is my substance. A high you get from a simple sip, from the bitter taste, to the head rush you get afterwards. The perfect companion for life. The perfect partner.

Don’t believe the hype. Coffee doesn’t kill you.*winks*

Yet again though, this story isn’t about me. It never is. I am a voyeur, stuck in a world which believes its black and white. But everyone seems to be seeing a different shade everywhere.

No this story, is about a man. Someone who clawed his way out of lifes clutches. Someone, who at lifes consistent curve ball, picked himself up, and became more then anyone could’ve ever hoped he was.

*tugs your hand* walk with me down memory lane my friend.

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He looks himself in the mirror. 29 years. One year from thirty, one year from ending his 20’s. Looking back, he’d never had thought he would’ve made it this far. Who would’ve. A mere boy running from one destiny to another, all chosen for him by everyone else, now a man, building his own world. The way he wanted it to be.

Theres a distant hum. Like waves splashing on the shore. This is it. His dream home. His elysium. He found it, nestled on the most perfect spot nature could offer. Almost like his own hobbit hole. But more then that. It was his home. There’s a lake facing towards the west, a mere stage for the sunrays playing when the suns put to bed every night. he smiles, he never thought he’d have made it this far.

Sipping from his mug, he sits at his favourite spot. That chair by the window. Reflection. All great men do it, some in ways different from others. This was his time for reflection, his time to see change.

5 years ago, he’d have never imagined himself here. He closes his eyes, and lets his mind do the travelling.

…………………………………………………………………….

The worlds a stage and we’re all God’s fucked up players. That is if there is a God.

He should get the phrase tattooed on his forehead. Feeling like a practical joke, wasn’t the best feeling in the world. But it was him. He flips through his laptop. And smiles.

Stuck in a rut, where his one ray of sunshine would be the days where he’d get messages like this. Sometimes it was a poem. Sometimes it was a story. It was always a happily ever after. These quips they made him believe. Believe in ways he never could’ve imagine.

But he was stuck. Dead end job, dead end life. It hurt him, he felt like he was in a black hole, one he couldn’t climb out of. Life it seems, was suffocating him. Like the crushing ocean around a sinking ship. Life felt cruel. Yet it dealt him a fair card.

And all that started it was an “Are you single?” message.

It felt good. Being able to talk. An unhindered naivety. And it amazed him to see what she saw in him.

She saw, a man who had been through the most ludicrous of challenges. She saw a man who held the world on his shoulders, and felt weary from being the pillar. She saw a man who in her eyes, was a hero, even if all he saw in the mirror was a man who couldn’t be called a man. Everything about him excited her. From his childlike love for music videos, to attempting to dance to songs without a sense of rhythm. His love for the weird, the beautiful. His conscience. She saw him for exactly what he was. She saw him for the man he shouldn’t have been afraid of being.

He’d sing her songs. With the most off key voice. Eyes alight when he talked about things that mattered most to him, from books, to movies about killer alien robots. His puppy like fascination for everything made her smile. But don’t be fooled. The man wasn’t as soft as he seemed. Hardened by years of unneeded obstacles, he could be firm in his beliefs. But those beliefs made sense to her. Made her think. Made her faith a little faith that people could be human.

He listened to her. With her, every small thing mattered. Every smile, every letter, every word. It all made sense to her. He was still stuck in a rut, but he found himself wanting to get out. He found his her. He wanted to be different. He didn’t need to be prince charming on a white horse. He could be the pauper, but he could be himself. That’s all that mattered.

……………………………………………………………

If you looked to the corner of the room, there’s 4 wooden frames. Not of pictures, not of photos. But a story. A story called cliché’s. The story talks about a boy and a girl. Boy meets girl. Girl meets boy. They fall in love. They live happily ever after. That story was written years ago. It was a story that described the during, the before, the after. The spaces between each word.

If you look at the other corner, there’s a huge collage of photographs. From 2 month of amazing memories. Every fight, every laugh, every smile. Encapsulated in a moment when the right person took the right photograph. It was a difficult time, but it was a time where much seemed to have changed. It felt the same, but that’s how winds move don’t they. You never know their coming till you feel them.

Isn’t that the concept of faith though. Simply believing what’s not there? Something we can feel, but never touch. Something that’s shines so bright, but we can never see. And faith, in its most unadultered form, comes when someone simply believes in you. Simply believes you can make a difference. That you can be a better man.

……………………………………………………..

He found himself fighting. 5 long years. He wouldn’t stay down. Yes, he was aware of his faults. Yes he was aware of what made him inhuman. He was aware of how much it hurt when he fell.

But his clarity, his determination drove him to not stay down. And he held her hand. It was always the little things that made a difference. That smile when the world was dark. That good morning message. It all made a difference. It all made it different. He made it through every obstacle. From finding his nook in this much messed up world, to building his dream home. His future, his life.

Somethings, take time, but when you reach the end of the tunnel, ur greeted by warm sunshine in cool November rain.

It was a tough fight. A lot of the times he felt like giving up. A lot of the time he felt it was easier to just stay out of the rabbit hole. To stay out of megatrons way. But he didn’t. He became prime. He fought. For whatever reason, whatever drive he fought. Some pumped up robotic shit maybe, but he fought.

And he made it.

“You may lose faith in us, but never in yourself.” Immortal, he lived.

……………………………………………….

Can you truly make it though? How would you know if you’ve truly made it? It doesn’t make sense to know that you have actually. More often then not, its more as if your taking a breather. Theres always another hill to climb. So what was so significant about this? What was so significant about this 5 years? Surely in the grand scheme of things 5 years would seem a mere nothing to what the rest of your life actually is.

Ah here she comes. The landmark in 5 years. The reason why this story’s even titled 5 years. She tip toes around the room, not wanting to wake him up. Not wanting to stir him from his dreams.

He looked so peaceful in his sleep. No one would’ve guessed the amount that mans been through in the last 5 years. And you’d be surprised where your biggest enemies come from. But at the end of the day, she knew she’d be by his side.

Softly, she kisses his cheek. And he smiles. He looks up at her. His wife. Probably the best achievement ever. Probably the reason why he’d always remember his 29^th birthday. He fell in love with his best friend. He found his happily ever after.

Happily ever after wouldn’t end there. It would go on. They’ll be dark clouds, but they both knew they could make it. Whatever life through at them, they’d both be ok.

Because it was them. The perfect two.

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*sips coffee* this story has no substance. Theres no mention of events, there is no mention of a proper guideline. No proper plot. An amazing hero though, a pretty stubborn heroine.

But that’s not the point of this tale. Simple really. It’s about believing. Believing that there is another tomorrow, believing that when push comes to shove, you’ll live. You’ll love. And there isn’t such a thing as the world being perfect.

We build the world we live in. we construct it with what meager tools we’re given. But at the end of the day, when we face that final sunset, we don’t remember that exact memory’s but we cherish the feelings we get. From fighting, from losing, from defeating, from being defeated. It all makes us so human.

*places mug on table* Did you enjoy this trip? I believe I have thus far. And I’m looking forward to the next chapter. Because there always is a new one, just around the corner. 5 years? Sometimes, it makes a lifetime.

Elysium

Dream of a world

With freedom

Freedom for life

Freedom for our eyes

To reach the heavens

To dream for not a world

But for infinite of worlds

To see us all live

With neither difference nor division

To see us all

Look up too the same sun

Too live a life

Unlike anyones

Freedom!!!

Not a fear in sight

That’s freedom

To think to breathe to understand

Hail those sacrifices

The one that bring us today

Hail the heavens

Who have heard our pleas

Hail the ability too speak

The unspoken have been heard

Hail life and the lives spent

Hail all that have given us the reason

The reason to live

We are free

As we can now always be

*just a little something to start up the momentum of this blog again. and due to certain pressures from different parties.:)*

The million dollar questions answer.

Whoever said time heals all wounds has got to be the biggest idiot on earth. *No offence mate*.

Time doesn’t heal all wounds. 20 years into the future, a wound that you thought closed off could probably open up and sting again, as fresh as if it were made yesterday.

Time leaves wounds open with a dull ache. And sometimes, sudden memories add salt to the wound, making it feel like it just opened up all over again.

Once upon a time when someone passed away, I would give the public word or statement called “My condolences”.

How irritating I must’ve sounded.

When she passed away, people would come up to me and say “we’re very sorry about your Grandmum.” Even in my ragged state of mind then, I’d always wonder, “What the hell are you sorry about?”

I should be sorry. I SHOULD BE sorry. But in a way I’m not. Why? My grandmum raised three kids, one of which became the greatest father on earth, the other two became the best uncle and aunt that any girl could hope for. But to me, that’s not her most incredible feat. Her most incredible feat was so simple:

She learnt how to love.

She would love you, even if you were a criminal on death row. And once she loved you, you felt as if you’ve never ever been loved by anyone else on earth. She was so unconditional. Never once did you feel like you have to earn her loved. Her love was so pure it was heartbreaking, and its that love that leaves a dull ache today.

Here’s the crunch : She loved me.

She loved me for my craziness and almost cheeky nature. She loved me and she told me that every night we slept. She held me close when I had tears streaming down my face. She prayed for me. Every. Single. Day. I was her Rani, She was my grandmum.

And that’s why it hurts.

But this is not my memoir to my grandmum. That I’m still working on. For that memoir, I want every word to be perfect, just like she was to me. This is to answer that million dollar question , “ Are you ok?”

Here’s the long answer, the one I would give if I had the time. “I don’t know if I’m ok. I could feel “ok” in one minute, but in the next I could be crying my eyes out. I don’t think that qualifies me as ok, but I think it qualifies me as “I’m trying to be ok.” I miss her and every minute of the day I’m confronted with memories of her. Every step I take I’m reminded of how she once held my hand and guided me through. And because of that, every time I move, there’s a dull ache in my chest reminding me that my guide has passed on and now its time for me to light my own path. And I am scared shitless.”

Grief is a funny thing isn’t it? Just when you think you have it all figured out, it just turns around and cripples you to the ground. But boy does it toughen you up.

I once read a quote that reminded me of how humans move on with life. It said, “Fear not, for Death is liberation and grieve not for those who have found themselves in Deaths warm embrace. Rejoice for the moment they lived, and those moments that made them special to our hearts.” I don’t quite agree with the “don’t grieve” part but I sure as hell would like to rejoice for every minute my grandmum walked this earth.

I love and miss you Bibiji. And not a minute in my life will go by not remembering you and your love for me.

“ In my darkest hour you held my hand.
My candle that burnt both ends,
And as you came to the centre of your wax,
You burnt so brightly, that tears would lapse,
Now that candle has disappered,
Leaving me with warmth that slowly dissipates,
I’m reminded by the cold darkness,
That the absence of light is not without reason,
In the hour that’s darkest you always return,
Reminding me its my turn to burn,
I pray to the lord, “Look after my angel”
And weep and cry, for I’m worthless to ask,
Will I ever move on, I have no clue,
But one things for sure,
Bibiji, I love you.”
Date:23/8/2009


To: The greatest woman that ever walked this earth
Duration of living: Forever.

Hey people.....

In case you were wondering, the coffee drinker is a purely fictional post. The athelete in the story might sound familiar to a few of you but thats cause my dad told me his story when i was really disappointed on something(details will go no furthere from here people!!)

The coffee drinker however, well thats a character you will be seeing more of. Being a person who is completly bored out of my brains, i invented the coffee drinker as a way to pass time in hopes that i would not rot. But then it hit me, this coffee drinker, a pure figement of my imagination, could be the person who dwelves into memories and comes up with new stories, ideas and a paradigm thats shared with the world.

Who knows which memory and moment the coffee drinker will play up next. But untill the next post at least. I bid You all adieu.

without wax,
Meninder

Ps... for people who have been following the blog intently, my poetry took a more depressing turn at one point. That was mainly cos of the exams. So dont worry people, Im still completly(well. almost) sane. :)

The coffee drinker.

A coffee is an insomniac’s poison. Yet I still sip on one every two hours. And I think. Of incidences and memories. The kind that you never forget. A strong black coffee with little sugar and no cream is a sure way not to sleep. And when you got a bad case of insomnia, trust me it ain’t no cure.

It was on one of these more worse nights( if there’s ever is such a thing) that I sat back and thought about a memory. Not a fading one. But one that stayed etched in my mind forever. I remember that day as clear as anything. A cloudy day at the stadium. Dismal even. But was a place where a spirit of a man was not going to be diminished. Especially not by a trifle thing like the weather. This mans story goes something like this:

He was at the starting line. Of his life. He crouched down and remembered. He remembered every moment. Every breath. Every drop of sweat. Those months of preparation.

“On your marks”
He crouched down. Leg prepared to launch him to victory.

“Get set”
He was ready. No gun could scare him from his purpose. No pistol could hinder his path.

“GO!!”

He was off. He felt the wind whipping through his hair. He felt the ground, light under his feet. He felt the adrenaline, pumping through his veins. He was flying. Flying through those moments built up until today. Enjoying that feeling. “What was it?” he wondered. Satisfaction? Happiness? Euphoria? He couldn’t explain it. Not now, when he was flying without wings.

Life however has a funny way of throwing us a curveball when we least expect it. Even at the top of the world. He sensed something was wrong even before it happened. One moment he was flying. Next his entire world came crashing down.

All he felt was a searing pain. It went through his left leg. He couldn’t explain the tears that fell down his face. He had never once cried when he fell. But now, he couldn’t stop the coming. Bewilderment was etched in every corner of his face.

He could hear the paramedics van coming closer. He could hear the shouts of the spectators from the stadium. He could hear his mom. Pleading with him to get up. He opened his eyes and realize what had happened to him. His age old injury had returned. Striking him harder then ever. As if teasing him. Ridiculing him. At the last 400 meters of his race. He couldn’t believe it. Why now? Why at the most important race of his life?


He couldn’t say how he felt or why he felt it. He couldn’t even register the pain properly. He was in despair. The biggest loser on the planet. That’s all he could think of himself. In his ears he heard jeers. Of people who said that he wouldn’t make it. That his past demons will haunt him. Down and beaten, he did not move. Nothing did. All was still and silent.

What happened next was unexplainable. Something. A small in significant spark. It, with no waning, built up to a roaring fire that crashed through the very core of his being. An unexplainable sense of strength and determination. His mothers voice. Maybe it was so heavily ingrained in him that he was a champion. Maybe it was himself. The part of him. The little fighter that was not always there but when awoken was ferocious. The one who knew nothing would ever get the best of him.

He got up. Painfully but with resolve. Refusing assistance, he struggled to his feet. His left leg refused to cooperate. He didn’t care. He hadn’t done months of preparation for no reason. He was going to finish the race. Regardless. One step at a time to cross that finish line.

Taking the first step was the hardest. The stadium was silent. Even the paramedics stopped telling him to take a break. His mom had only tears to shed. He looked at the hope in her face and found strength. And he took that first step like a new born baby learning to walk. Stumbling a little, he managed to take another. He learnt to focus on the moments. Not the pain.

He remembered the hours in training. He took a step. He remembered the grueling hours in the gym. And took another step. He remembered standing in front of the mirror every morning and telling himself that he could do it. Behind him the medics were following. Not asking him to stop upon realizing he wanted to continue. Daring not to ask him to slow down and stop. He wouldn’t have anyway..

The crowd was silent. The stadium was echoing. The man that had come in first was no longer important. They watched this man fighting his battle. Alone. Silently, they cheered him on. Silently they shed their tears. The silence was unnerving. It was powerful. In that silence, so many dreams were seen. So much was found. On that mans battle, many found strength.

The man kept walking. The end was near. He did not slow down. He refused to stop for breath. With huge effort, he kept walking. With all the strength he could muster, he kept walking.

When he crossed the finishing line, the crowd went wild. They cheered the true champion of the race. The cheered the man who never let his demons get the better of him. The crowd was wild, their thirst for a true champion quenched.

As for our runner? He collapsed in relief. He was satisfied. He had completed the race, regardless of what would happen next. He felt that every single thing was worth it. He had tears in his eyes. From pain, exhaustion, happiness, sadness, relief, acceptance but most of thankfulness. Thankful that he did complete the race. His heart was filled with pride because he beat his demons. Taunting him no more, they dared not touch him. He won the true battle.

He may have gotten last place, but he emerged from the race victorious that day and etched himself as a hero in everyone’s hearts. His defeat of the battle against himself gave every person in that stadium hope. He is a stranger that I saw that morning. The stranger that taught me its ok to move on. Its ok to be afraid sometimes. But never let the fear of losing out, keep you from doing all you can and being all you can be. I was one of the spectators of his race and to that man, I raise my coffee and say thank you. For that one lesson in life I will never forget.

I sip my coffee before paying another visit to my memories. I had all night and day to do this. Sleep never came over me. It was time for yet another visit……..

hey one and all!!

Happy 2009!!

Ok im not gonna bore everyone out of their brains by talking about bnew beginnings and all that.... i already do tht on a yearly basis.... im jus gonna start of the year with my favourite saying by far... an expert from the kung fu panda(now hows that for a place of inspiration:))

"Yesterdays history, Tomorrows a mystery. But today is a gift.
Thats why its called the PRESENT."
See as human beings. we tend to always worry about the furture and about whts gonna happen next. We always say that we've gotta plan for our future and we become so obssessed with our future their we forget our current present is our future.

God works in mysterious ways. He's made an object called time. and object which never stops functioning. which continues moving. and which bever looks back.

A good friend of mine once said "live your life to the max" and he did. He died earlier in the year of 2008. He was only 16.

I'm not gonna start this year of with a grim note. Nor am i gonna start this year of with the notion of deaths in the midst. But we have to realise its there. Every breath we take is one step closer to it.

So while we still have air in our lungs. And while we still have the ability to live. Lets make every moment count. Every moment should be our new year. Every second should be a second we cherish. Every day should be a day of resolutions.

and every night before we sleep, we should sleep with contentment and with the thankfulness that gods given us another day to live it.

so me being virtuous and advisory is all about up. Now its back to the crazy person we all know and love.

special thanks to my insane half jiwan for kicking my arse into writing a new post. CONGRATUALTIONS to you, pevin, sharan and all my other PMR friends on the wonderful results!!

Happy New year to u all!! i will be posting new stuff as soon as i get my chance to. Which should be really soon seeing as that i'll probably have nothing to do.

hugs and kisses

without wax,
meninder:)

Just another window view :)

I am alive
But not living
A shadow in depths
I breath
But I’m not breathing
The air is just another thing
That goes by
Sigh…
Even that’s just a sound.
No meaning
Not a sentence or a word
Empty

I feel nothing,
I’ve loss the sense of sight and sound,
I’m just alive, passing
Not grabbing on the moments that fly by
Is this life?
How dull and uninteresting…

I could die right now
(Evacuating soul in 3,2,1….)
But I don’t
I’m still alive but not living…
Its dark and suffocating,
Like a blanket that can’t be removed
And when removed its jus the same,
No change,
Nothing.
Sigh.

I’m bored but can’t do anything,
I’m scared but can’t scream,
I’m happy but can’t smile,
I’m alive but not living.
Help me please?

Help me stranger
Help me move again
Help regain my senses,
My emotions my thoughts
Let me feel sorrow
Let me feel fear
Let me look my maker in the eye
And tell him I’m here

I’m ready stranger
I’m ready to move on
To make a difference
To grab at the mommets not let them move at all
I want to fly! I want to glide!
Push me off the edge of that cliff
Like a baby eagle
Give me my wings!
Let me fly!
Let me in to those gates
Let me scream and shout
Let me laugh and cry
Give me a tune, a simple tune,
Let me live, at last
No more monotone, or emptiness,
Let life crash through me
Like a waterfall
Crasing down to the rocks
In musical syncrohny
Sigh that is life
That is life.

Meninder Kaur
11.08 am
4/9/2008

Some thoughts :)

It’s been real long since I actually opened this laptop to write something:)

You it just recently hit me that I tease all my school leaving friends about schooling in the middle ages. You know the jungle trekking to get to school, the snake infested swamp, vampire teachers etc etc( ok maybe I exaggerate a little bit ) ok maybe a lot

But its just occurred to me, (how daft seeing as that I’m being continuously reminded that my entire future hangs in the balance) that I’m going to soon be joining those Darling friends of mine in the middle age society(lol)

Seriously, one moment I’m a toddler, next I’m spending two years in Indonesia, my primary school days end… and my secondary school chapeter is about to meet the same fate.

What have I done to make this leg of my Journey memorable?

Many things. Happy, sad, crazy things(love these), bizarre, successful and some even down right disastarous. And all those moments built up my life.

As I look back, I see so many things. I see 16 years worth of memories. I look at a photo of me when I was 3 years old and have this distinct longing just to crawl back into those times( which might explain my childish behaviour). I see love. I see some old rivalry. (if anyone didn’t got through the girls versus boys stage please shoot me in the head.) I see so many memories. Some painful others healing. But cherished memories all the same.

I look at my school mates and realize that I, not gonna be on that same environment in another 6 months time. Its gonna all change. Don’t get me wrong I’m exited to see what the world has in store for me but I’m not quite ready to give up what I have now. It sad to think that all kids are dying to grow up fast but all grown ups are praying for a reverse growth formual.

I guess that’s the mystery of time. It’s like sand you try holding in the palm of your hand. It has a funny way of slipping out and never returning. I guess that’s why so many people say just go with the flow.

Still its hard to imagine life without school, a vampire teacher, cartoon classmater(no offence guysJ), your true friends, and your crazy memories. Its hard, right now, to imagine not having to wake up at enearthly hours to make it to school.

Somehow though I have to find my wings and fly. Its time to end yet another chapeter of this journey and move to the next beginning. But not just yet.

Meninder Kaur from 10/June/2007,5.30 pm

Little drops of water

Drops of water come falling for above,
I sit here in resign.
Seeing not but the farthest ends
Of fields and meadows far and wide
I lost some bonds
I thought would never break
I lost some sense of reason
A decision made without the clock
A decision made out of reason
Sad that I am I think not back
For days and time has passed
The raindrops keep falling from far above
Down the rabbits chute
To glories below
A microscopic dot
In the universe
But something so powerful.
Designing landscapes and feeding lives
A little drop of water
Can make a plant grow
And from that plant an animal will live
And so the cycle goes
As it climbs the top most point
Our existence comes to play
That drop of water down my back
Is the reason why I live
Depth of wondering minds
Brings about a sense of purpose
For in the moment I feel numb
I feel a thousand rivers
A thousand suns a thousand stars
I see what most choose not to
I sit here patiently with raindrops down my back
No longer do I sit resigned
For these little drops of water
That shape the mighty land
Taught me that this is not the end
Nor will it be for a long time.

14th of february 2007 =P

I woke up this morning
And saw love all over again,
In the face of the mother
Protecting her brood
Wanting to rip the eyes of the bully
She fears not the brute
In the eyes of a father
Who saw all the worlds hardships
And chased the boogey man away
For his kids to smile again
On the lips of a lover
With golden words
Promising a promise
Of forever and a day
In the actions of teacher
Holding the future
Of our nations peace
In her very hands
I saw it in a kids delight
His joy at a small present
With unquestioned love
For everyone around him
Power beyond all
The four lettered word
Its beauty incomprehensible
Its wrath unheard .

Happy valentines day. From my heart to yours. Today when you say I Love You to anyone, say it with all your heart and say it with true feeling. Don’t analyse your feelings. Just go with the flow.
God bless.

Meninder =)

Breaths

Take a breath,
Let rivers flow let the sky weep.
In and out it goes,
The world moves with a beat

Every breath taken is another breath lost
So breath like you have never breathed before,
Life itself s so precious like pearls
Once gone forever lost

Live your life for now and forever,
Never stop living at al
Don’t lose the moments or mope for those lost
Just breathe in and out with conviction

Stand up and stand like you have never stood before.
Listen to the sound of your breath in and out.
This is the moment so take the plunge.
Breathe the breath of life, breathe like you have never breathed before.

Meninder Kaur

She's buying the stairway to heaven.

Every morning I pass the same sights and sounds. I meet without really meeting people that are the same but different destinations. I'm so used to just driving straight pass these sights that even if something changed, the view i had would still stay the same.Its not ignorance.It is just monotone.

Every day i walk to the same class,study with the same people and do the same things. I live life in a routine.sure it can change sometimes yet when its over things go back to normal.

Monotone.Routine.Habit.

Then came 16 January 2008. When things changed a little more for the better and a little more for the worse.

Weird how life takes a change doesnt it?

"There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold
And she's buying a stairway to heaven.
When she gets there she knows, if the stores are all closed
With a word she can get what she came for.
Ooh, ooh, and she's buying a stairway to heaven.
There's a sign on the wall but she wants to be sure '
Cause you know sometimes words have two meanings.
In a tree by the brook, there's a songbird who sings,
Sometimes all of our thoughts are misgiven.
Ooh, it makes me wonder, Ooh, it makes me wonder."

Life has 2 paths we can always go buy. There always be choices. Am i making the right choice to say? Have i done what i can?Do I even know what i want right now?

Mysterious it is this miracle of life.

We sometimes know that the choices we make has major impacts in our life.And yet we still walk on those parts of our lives. We get caught up in the momments and we forget our sense of reason. Sometimes our choices make us forget who we are.

There's a feeling I get when I look to the west,
And my spirit is crying for leaving.
In my thoughts I have seen rings of smoke through the trees,
And the voices of those who stand looking.
Ooh, it makes me wonder, Ooh, it really makes me wonder.
And it's whispered that soon if we all call the tune
Then the piper will lead us to reason.
And a new day will dawn for those who stand long
And the forests will echo with laughter. "

Do you remember laughter? As a child when we were told of a pied piper who would lead us away just by playing his merry tune. Our innocense as kids when we used to remember the boogey man. Today i look at the courtyard and i saw all the kids in the world playing games with their friends and i long to be them again. To reserruct my childhood and to be able to run around with everyone else. Not worrying about deadlines and all other problems. To be able to have fun again.

"If there's a bustle in your hedgerow, don't be alarmed now,
It's just a spring clean for the May queen.
Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run
There's still time to change the road you're on.
And it makes me wonder.
Your head is humming and it won't go, in case you don't know,
The piper's calling you to join him,
Dear lady, can you hear the wind blow, and did you know
Your stairway lies on the whispering wind. "

Is there time to change? I begin to ponder and wonder on that two phrases in the song. Is there time to mov on with life? Covering past mistakes and understanding and experiencing new ones?or has my life gone beyond all that.

"And as we wind on down the road
Our shadows taller than our soul.
There walks a lady we all know
Who shines white light and wants to show
How everything still turns to gold.
And if you listen very hard
The tune will come to you at last.
When all are one and one is all
To be a rock and not to roll"

Yes there is time. There is a life that i need to lead and to me life must go on. There is happiness and there is hope. There is a life I lead with all that i need. Here i am walking and wanting to walk some more. Wanting to shout to the world that hey this is life. Meant for the living. I have my answersright here right now. And yes this is life. Today right now,right at this momment.I live and breathe alive.

" And she's buying a stairway to heaven."

Waiting

Waiting,
Deep breathes short rasps
Just waiting
Heavens peak may call
And yet I’m still waiting
Waiting even if hells core
Comes knocking at my door
I’m waiting
Waiting for the moon to blush crimson
Or the sky to turn green
I’m waiting
I shall never tire for waiting
If waiting brings answers
I will continue waiting
I am not weary nor resigned
So I shall sit here patiently
Waiting.

Meninder Kaur

"When you reach for the sky you will fall among the stars"

“A philosopher once asked, "Are we human because we gaze at the stars, or do we gaze at them because we are human?" Pointless, really...”Do the stars gaze back?" Now *that's* a question.”

-Ian McKellen-
Stardust

The film just ended and I was sitting there alone. The credits were long over yet I was watching a blank screen. And realized that I had yet to thank the one thing that always listened especially in the midst of the night.

When we look at the stars what is it that we truly see? A bunch of bright stars in the sky that look beautiful? An infinite space?

I’d like to think stars are Gods way of making us realize that he’s there even in the midst of the night. Trust there have been countless times when I sat under the night sky wondering why I did some stupid thing or other and wondering what I could’ve done to prevent it from happening. And the stars listened never judging never saying anything. They jus sit there listening and leaving me in a comfortable sort of silence.

Stars have no longer been seen as thousands of suns that burn billions of miles away. Through our lives we see stars as not burning matter but a source of hope.

“ Second star on the right and straight on till morning”
-Peter Pan-

The boy who believed in happy memories. Who never grew up. And yet he thought us all a lesson we must never forget. Childhood and all its innocence must never be forgotten. Hold on to a happy thought and you will fly. That is the way we shall live and learn to live. Believing in a never-never land that apparently lives somewhere in our vast galaxy.

How many times in our desperate hour of need have our eyes searched heavenwards and screamed for answers? Every single star in the sky looks down on us as we look up to them. They see all. Its almost as if God’s many eyes are looking down on us and watching the world.

Hatred
Suffering
Pain

But also

Love
Happiness
Peace

Strange isn’t it to think that when we strive for our best we put it in a metaphor of reaching for the stars. For they seem to be the highest point of the world. Their glorious beauty captivates us all. To the young child who believes that all his wishes will come true on each star he wishes on. Or for the lover who hold hands under the sky making pledges that together is forever though forever never lasts. For a mother who prays to the sky that her daughter is safe. Or for a father to boast about his son. The stars have been here to witness all and are symbolic in our daily lives.

“What do stars do best?.....They shine”-stardust-

They shine with hope, beauty, grace integrity and love. They shine.

Ishveer: My baby brother.

(Ishveer)

Every time I see him I always see that same smile. Innocence,naive, a picture of perfection. I see a little boy whose dreams are a reality. Who enjoys the simple pleasures of life without wanting more. His smile the number one reason why we all smile.

Even as I'm writing this he's sitting there and watching me, eyes piqued and curiosity alive. Beautiful brown eyes. Cutest smile that is so free for everyone to see. But not once has anyone seen him cry. Even as a baby not once did he cry. And he's every ones child.

Best part about him is the fact that he can always tell when your upset or when you feel down. He's usually the only who can guess how anyone is feeling. he never judges against anyone. He can't. He doesn't understand why he simply can't believe the best about a person. He wants to believe the best about the world and he does.

Kindness, pure, honest,larger then life, with a big heart. I can find all the values the world lacks in this one boy,in all children.

Here he comes probably to ask a for story. The innocence of a child to find happiness in a simple children's story. I hide a tear for my disappearing childhood and pray to God that the world would learn from the people we call "children".

Difference

The solo guitar comes in. You’re not prepared for what come next. BAM. It hits you. Listen to the words. I mean really listen too the words. Not just hum to the tune. Listen. So you think u can tell heaven from hell? Do really think u can? I wonder. Weirdly enough this questions hits half way base. Watching a man united game and the score is tied 0-0. Wait there he goes. He shoots….. HE SCORES!! Wonder what would have happened if he hadn’t?


Song in question is of course by my favorite band, Pink Floyd. Wish You Were Here. Listen to it. Think about what he is singing about. Listen to the bass. I mean really listen. What pops up in your mind the minute you here the first question. If u don’t have the song, just imagine someone asking you to spot the obvious differences between heaven and hell. But honestly is there a difference? Is there truly a difference between mount Everest and mount Kinabalu? I mean they are both mountains for Christ sake.

Why does mankind imagine differences and that shun those who are different from what is referred to as the norm of society? Why the colour is black associated with bad and the colour white associated with good? Why is it that we think of different ways to look at things when quite frankly everything is the same? Why is it that everyone insist that we are different and unique when we all come from the same all mighty?

Thing is we as man kind are afraid of differences. Try something new. Like instead of going with the norm of your workplace, try something different. Instead of wearing the colour blue all the time why not try the colour pink? Oh pinstripes instead of polka dots? Granted the management might want to send you on the next trained too crazy town but hey its u we are talking about not the rest of the world. So what the heck someone calls you a fool. It’s their problem not yours.

So what’s the true difference u can make? Remember the guy that score in that man u game? What if he hadn’t? There would be no beer parties no cause of celebration. Similar the opposition would have nothing too commiserate over. One goal had all that many things to change. Then we have politics where every vote counts. One vote and the political party in control can change. And that vote could be you.

How does all this fit in differences? Simply because that is what’s different. There is so many ways describing it yet so little too talk about. So how do we talk about it? Simple. It’s abundant all around us. Through music, racism and political debates. So now what do we do about it? Nothing. We just realize that there is little difference but also embrace the fact that we can make a difference. Make sense? Thought so. =P

Hey there....Here are some of the poems I've written... all are original and of different insprirations.....tel me what you think!! Peace.


"Momments"

The morning light creeping
Birds a chirping
The world alive
Laughing
A breathe taken at every minute
A brand new beginning
Not yesterday’s sorrows nor disappointments
Nor tomorrows worry nor thousand questions
Nor little frown nor high monsoon
Just a minute without treason, crap or gloom.
A moment of peace
Where the entire world can wait
The silence heard so comforting
Nothing says no or yes
Nothing says just do your best
Just a second of emptiness if you will
A moment where the world is cool
Before reality sinks in before the truth is felt
Those are the true seconds
The separates heaven form hell.


"Soldiers Tears"

Another sunset has come too pass
The last bullet dies
The thousands screaming are silenced
I walk with neither a smile nor sigh
The rain falls down
Washing the blood off the field
How did these thousand die?
For a one misunderstanding
For million deaths
Brings a bout a billion lives
So what is the truth?
Truth seems all beyond
Is killing a husband a father a brother a child?
Is that justice at all?
For the widowed bride that sits and weeps
At every bullet I had sowed
For the wounded child that cries aloud
Cos daddy’s never coming home?
For the sisters tears come down in torrents
Unable to feel a brothers protection
A mother tears with courage
Hoping to see her sons return
For a war based on colour race and religion
I feel like I lost a thousand brothers
What is truly the jihad?
A thousand innocent lives lost for no reason?
Are we all brothers and men of god?
If we kill each others existence?
What is the future we build for tomorrow
If we build a future at all?
I walk through the desolate field
And here silence
The after feeling of death
For neither tears nor sighs nor groans
Nor laughs or smiles a plenty
Just a feeling of nothing in between
Sunset and sunrise
Cos tomorrow it continues
Again and again
Tomorrow never dies in this field my friend
I kill to live they kill too live
So what is life at the end?
For if death comes on swift wings
Dropping like pink mist
Down from heavesn peak to hells core
For neither today no tomorrow will save us
And now is forgotten
The true heroes of the battle field
Are those who run a way
For running away is the secret
To saving more lives today
A vacuum of silence
I’ve left my heart at home
For home is where it belongs
I wonder how will it be tomorrow
Will I see another sunset?
The mist falls as the stars shine
I look and pray to the divine
So that I’ll live to see another day
To see my son laugh
To watch my wife smile
To free my sister from all hells boys
To say I love you to my mom
One last time
Before my last sunset comes
Tonight I shall sleep
If I sleep at all that is
For tomorrow may be my last
From a father a husband
A brother and a child
I bid the world farewell



"A Little Piece Of Heaven"

Our fingers entwine
My hand on your heart
We whisper we talk
We sing our favourite song
Then silence
Nothing said
Just the sound of heartbeats
No I won’t speak
Cause silence is when we speak the most
The sky above so vast
A single speck that’s what we are
But in that silence
You make me feel the worlds mine
Mine too conquer mine for the taking
I need not worry for tomorrow
As long as I know you are there
Even if the world was at an end
All I’ll truly need is your hand
The silence broken by a drop
Then another and another
We get wet but what the heck
These are the moments that truly count
The heavens are crying
Not in pain and suffering
But in the beauty of two people
Able to share one thing in common
That one thing the world needs
That one piece of magic that truly exists
Love
Nothing needs to be said or told
Its there in front of us as the tale goes.